Disorienting
by Monday
Summary: Grief is not coherent. One shot. Post OoTP


**Disclaimer: Nada, I don't own a thing. **

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Silvery moonlight filtered through the maroon curtains covering a prone figure spread across a bed. Though the time on the clock told all who cared to look that it was late, his eyes were still open. Open and empty. 

Sometimes he lay like this in the middle of the night, thinking about life, about death. Mostly about death though.

_Death_ a_nd Sirius._

As he remembered the falling body curving gracefully through the veil he wondered if it would have been better for him if Sirius had died some other way. He wondered if, had he the body, would he be able to move on; did he want to? Then he came to a standstill. Move on or stay stricken with grief? Keep the hope of Sirius still being alive somewhere or be thankful that he was finally resting peacefully? Harry never could answer the questions that plagued him in the dark of the night.

He'd thought Dumbledore would have gotten rid of it, having no use for it after the philosopher's stone was destroyed. Yet here it stood in all its glory, the mirror of Erised. Standing high on its clawed feet. Dumbledore words whispered in his mind, faint with age.

"_Men have wasted away before it, entranced by what they have seen… It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live…"_ Dumbledore had told him the next time he came across the mirror he would be prepared to see.

_Was he prepared?_

He stepped forward, his eyes firmly downward. Slowly, his gaze lifted and he saw them. Crowded in the frame was his family. He could feel something inside him tearing, dying. It hurt to look at them and know he'd never be able to touch them. Turning away with dry eyes and feeling emptier than ever, he walked towards the door. Ron turned slightly as he passed.

"Well?" he sounded hesitant. Harry paused, a small, sad smile appearing on his face.

"It's the same thing." His eyes lowered guiltily, "except now… Sirius is there too." Then he left the room

Cold sweat dripped down his face and back as he made his way back to the Gryffindor tower after quidditch practice. Turning a corner, his only warning was a flash of blonde before hands reached out and shoved him backwards.

Malfoy was alone for once, no Crabbe and Goyle flanking his sides. He stood silently, cold grey eyes flashing dangerously. Malfoy reached inside his robes for his wand. He should have expected that. And still he remained motionless, staring at the blond aristocrat.

Malfoy smiled, a cold razor of a smile, and pointed his wand down the hall between them.

"Canisium" he whispered and black tendrils of darkness released themselves from the confines of his wand. Squirming and struggling they fought to take form. Slowly a shape was visible, it's skin never still. As he stood frozen, watching the writhing blackness Malfoy left, leaving him to watch the Grim bound slowly down the corridor, away from him.

They were sitting under the cover of the quidditch stands as the rain poured down from an angry sky. They were sitting in comfortable silence; each other's faces hidden by the darkness. It was nice just to sit and watch once in awhile, not to have to do anything. So peaceful, tranquil. He felt drugged. Hesitant to speak, to move, lest he break the beauty of the falling rain. Ginny's voice broke the silence.

"You should conjure your patronus Harry. It would look lovely prancing in the rain." Obediently he pulled his wand from his robes. The words were on his lips when he faltered. He heard a shift of cloth as Ginny turned to look at him questioningly.

"My happy memory was going to live with Sirius." Then he left the alcove under the stands, his hair becoming plastered to his face by the heavy rain.

It was still swaying, deceptively fluttering innocently. He took a seat on the dais in front of the cracked and ancient arch.

The voices were louder now, their murmurings almost distinguishable. He wondered if that deep growl he heard was Sirius. Closing his eyes, loose threads brushed lightly against his skin. He could imagine it was his mother's hair tickling him softly as she bent down to kiss him softly in his crib. Perhaps the warm breeze fluttering across his skin was really the moist breath that Prongs breathed as he stood protectively over Harry.

He leaned forward, the incoherent muttering beckoning him ever closer. A picture stood clear in his mind's eye of the four of them; Lily, James, Sirius and him, standing together. He couldn't see the scenery around them but found it didn't matter. As long as they were together. As long as he got to see them again.

He opened his eyes, watching the black curtains dance mere centimetres away from him. He wondered how close you had to be to lose yourself. He wondered if this was real, if this was his dream or simply Voldemort manipulating his mind. Trying to kill him during his sleep. Suddenly extremely tired Harry stood and walked away from the dais leaning against the shelf as he waited for the dream to end. All the voices had reminded him. He couldn't take his rest.

Not yet.

Silvery moonlight filtered through the maroon curtains onto a prone figure spread across a bed. Though the time on the clock told all who cared to look that it was late, his eyes were still open. Open and empty.

He blinked away the tear falling from his eyes, didn't bother to wipe away the ones already travelling down his cheeks. A deep sorrow filled his eyes as he stood at the window. Despair filled his heart and he resigned himself to the comfortable bed that did nothing to lure him to sleep. He accepted his fate with a heavy heart. He would never be fully rested until the prophecy was fulfilled. Until then, he would have to watch the people all around him die because of him. And yet he would keep going, keep up the strong, implacable façade.

_Either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives…_

Only then could he rest. Only then could he see them again.

Then he wouldn't need the mirror anymore.

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Please review because it makes me happy. I know all of you at home are wondering why you should care whether I'm happy or not but I'm trusting you all to be good, nice, reviewing type people. :D And yes i know the shifting of scenes might have been a bit confusing... but maybe you should read the title... no offense meant of course...  
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